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Hubert



So Father, how have things been?
Not good, my son- sometimes I wish for a return to civilisation as you know it- but I know I am here doing God’s work, so I don’t dare. But it really was the last straw when my toilet broke last week and my water source was befouled by the contents of my bowels.

Oh dear…
Yes, it was a bit like that. I had to leave this area for a week or 2 until the streams were clean, and that meant going to live with those dratted Indians for a while.

Oh yeah, talking of the Indians, did they rebuild their village?
No my son, not really- they decided that they were going to live in tree huts much like me, so they went about building high in the trees high above the desolation of their old village.

Safer I suppose.
Safe? I wouldn't say that. And they terrorise me now, my man- even from their village 15 miles away to my hut, they somehow manage to negotiate their way across the tree tops all across the jungle to come to me, so they rarely use the paths anymore unless for hunting- or unless one of them are out renewing the television license or picking up a new DVD.

They watch television???
Oh yes, they love it, there favorite past-time- that’s what we all do on Friday nights, everybody goes and sits round the Shaman’s hut where the television is and we watch a film, you see being higher up in the trees as they are now they get a better television reception. Last Friday we all watched War of the Worlds, frightfully good film that! On Sundays we all watch Passion Avenue, some dingy soap opera that the General of Quaramonte recommended to us… The special times include when I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of here! Is broadcasted- I can feel so much sympathy towards those stuck out in the outback of Australia, but at least in the end they get out!

Have you ever thought of just dumping you Bible and dog collar and returning to civilisation?
Yes, it’s a sin to even admit it, but I have- many times. I long for the feel of toilet paper instead of leaves, I long for the feel of smooth soap instead of crushed snail, I especially long for proper rubber condoms instead of the tree bark substitute, but we won’t go into details here- needless to say, they would be a damn bit more successful at the feast of the Monkey Dance.

How many kids have you got these days then?
Forget kids, I now have grandchildren- Jake and Sally now have a son, Dominic, despite the fact they are only 12 themselves- fortunately I don’t see much of my kids as they are looked after by their Indian mothers in the village, but she still expects me to send upkeep to her- it’s due to them that I don’t have any herbs left anymore. The mothers demand herbs in payment you see.

How else do you keep yourself entertained then?
Well, this and that- there is usually some element of my territory that needs fixing and repairing, and I have recently started part 742 of my journal- “the regrets of the Monkey Dance and the elements with which they come about, in detail”. I plan to send the journal back to civilisation when I am finished it, I am sure people might find it interesting to read on their way to work on the train or whatever else they do these days- do they still have trains in civilisation?

I’m sure it would make a good read, and yes they still have trains- thank you Father Hubert for the chat! All the best!
The same to you my good fellow! Godspeed!

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